25/04/2025 – Lajune Imox, Comitan de Domínguez, Mexico
Personal journal post, a morning of self-reflection. Being in a place where I want to be vital, healthy, wealthy, and strong. Wanting to create, contribute, and do something meaningful with my life. Wanting feel fulfilled and that my life matters. Wanting to feel that I am capable and of value to others and the world. That I do something of value. Something that adds colour and light to people’s life. Something of substance. Something that is alive.
While at the same time recognizing that there is a strong impulse to relax and let go of my old patterns and this constant need to somehow advance. To continuously needing to see the results with my human eye in the superficial and external. Comparing myself with others and how they live and what they do and are able to create and perform. Wondering what I am doing wrong when I try so hard to do my best.
And so here I am. In between. Doing my best to align with the current energy of life that is here for me now. Feeling that I haven’t allowed myself to properly (mentally and physically) recover, regenerate, and heal from intense periods of the past.
And even though there is a push to continue and “move forward” I hear the message of slowing down, to listen closely, to accept, allow, and to be where I am.
And so this morning instead of immediately begin the day with my morning practice I chose to take a short walk and then I sat down in my rocking chair and I decided to write.
…And so here I am. Here I find myself. Waking up in the back corners of my mind. Allowing myself to be where I am, in this strange place of healing. In the middle of all things and yet in between. Between things. Between realities. Between the old platform and a new path. Not knowing what to do and still somehow manage to do my best.
Grateful for being able and allowed to live this process and be in this space of healing. To be able to take it slow. To listen and feel. To learn and understand. To properly integrate, embody, release, and transform.
Most human beings do not have this opportunity. Constantly needing to chase and race as the hamster-wheel of life constantly runs.
This process may feel difficult and tough at times, but remember it is because I chose to do this inner work. I am allowing myself to feel, to be, to let go, and transcend.
And to do that I must enter the below. And so I do that with courage and faith. Always with me, the torch of truth.
And so here I sit in my chair and write. Here I sit and dream away while the others work with their hands and mind. They do their work they carry their load. And then what about I? Sitting here too comfortable to rise. Well am I not then doing my work as well? Only in another way? Because I am writing with my hands while with my mind I am contemplating life.
Yet the question arise, will this lead me somewhere or am I simply wasting time? Constantly at work in the laboratory of mind. Continuously connecting to messages divine. Yet what do I have to show for it? What am I doing with my life? At a point I need to leave my chair, and so now I chose to rise.
